Month: August 2018

Posted on in happiness, life, strength

Trying Trust

I am a worrier. I need to plan, organize and anticipate at least three possible outcomes for every scenario. So taking a leap of faith is as natural to me as jumping off a skyscraper because I think there might possibly be a rescue net somewhere down there. Never gonna happen.

Until now.

Three weeks ago, I was sitting with a friend sipping a glass of wine at her lovely home while trying to figure out what to do with my life. I was getting divorced, my intended job wasn’t returning my phone calls and getting my daughter the health care she needed felt impossible. I admitted I’d thought about moving back to the Bay Area but feared I couldn’t afford rent.

“My friend has a house for rent,” she said.

“I doubt I can afford it,” I answered.

“Want to see it just in case?”

I shrugged. Why not?

The next day she brought me to a lovely, Italian inspired house with white stucco walls and a red tile roof. Opening the door, she led me inside. My heart melted; it felt like home. The house glowed with sunshine and 1930’s charm. The halls were wide enough for Rhia’s wheelchair to glide through and the view of the bay inspired daydreaming. It was the perfect place to heal a broken heart.

That night, I made a deal with the universe: if my job refused to give me the hours I needed I would apply for the house. Two days later, my job refused. So the following weekend, I met the landlord. And just like that, I had rented a house on the San Francisco Peninsula. Then a few days later, I interviewed for my dream job and that afternoon they hired me. Two weeks later I started school for my second credential while also beginning the process of transferring all of Rhia’s care to a new county.

I don’t know how the transition will go; I don’t have all the information! The paperwork and phone calls and future meetings are overwhelming. But I have to trust that it will work out. Just as I trusted I could afford the house. I found a job that pays the bills, and not only that, it’s a job I love. I’ll be broke for a while, but in time, we’ll find our balance again. Together, Rhia and I can afford our dream house in the wealthy hills of Belmont. We can do it because the landlord is trusting us too.

Rick and I have decided to sell our current home in Ukiah. The new house has an attached studio apartment where he’ll live this winter. He’ll be nearby to help with Rhia and support her transition. She has spent most of her life in Ukiah; this is the house she grew up in and all of her friends are here. The support team the three of us developed over 20 years is here. Who will help Rhia in San Mateo? What kind of support team will be waiting for her in a city? Will her needs be met? Or will she struggle?

This entire transition requires more trust than I’ve thought possible.

This isn’t me! I need to verify and quantify and balance all the pros and cons before making a decision. Who is this woman leaping into the unknown and trusting she and her kid will land safely?

I don’t know, but I like her.

Posted on in disabilities, medical, tests

Is it weird I’m happy the doctor found something wrong?

Rhiannon had a Nerve Conduction Test last week. I assumed she would freak out, yell, cry, and punch someone (hopefully not the doctor).

Instead, Rhia sat quietly and allowed the doctor to connect the electrodes to her skin in strategic places. Then she held her step-dad’s hand while a small jolt of electricity was sent along the nerve paths. “That feels funny,” she said with a giggle. The electric surge increased in power, but all she did was stare at the doctor and say, “That feels very funny!”

Next came the acupuncture needles. This must be when she kicks someone, I thought. But the doctor was quick and the needles were very tiny. There was only one moment when Rhia glared at him because she figured out he was poking her with a needle. The entire test was done in less than 20 minutes.

And this time, the doctor actually found something wrong.

Do you know how many times Rhia has undergone tests? How often the doctor was certain he had found the answer to the cause of Rhia’s illness, only to have that test come back negative? Blood work and muscle biopsies have all come back good; no sign of illness or impairment. Even the genetic tests have returned inconclusive. What is causing Rhia’s ataxia and increasing fatigue? Why does her cerebellum keep shrinking? Why is her vision worse? Why did she lose her hearing?

I think the doctors are as frustrated as I.

But the Nerve Conduction Test found something! Her central nervous system appears intact, but the nerves that go out to her muscles are overactive. Even when she is sitting quietly, those nerves are firing like crazy. There’s too much “noise” in the muscles. Why? Not sure. But this test finally confirmed the cause of Rhia’s constant tremor.

When the doctor explained the “noisy” results of the test, I smiled., feeling a rush of relief. He found something! He actually found something! Look at the computer screen. You can hear the static of her muscles firing from too much nerve stimulation.

Rhia’s body is never calm; no wonder she’s exhausted.

Later, I bought myself a big box of Godiva chocolate to celebrate. Is it weird I’m happy the neurologist found something wrong? If you’ve been chasing answers like we have, you’d understand. After 20 years of negative tests, it was a relief someone found a clue at last.