An Open Letter to my Stalker

Congratulations. You win. I’m scared. You swear that’s not what you want but after I’ve repeatedly asked you to leave me alone, what else can I believe from your actions? I think you enjoy messing with my head. And because of you, I almost stopped writing. I almost deleted my blog and considered changing my name when my book is published. But even though I know you read every word, which makes me cringe, I won’t be silent. Not ever again.

I tried responding to your messages on Facebook, but for some weird reason I couldn’t write back to you. I could only read the messages you sent. It looks like when I blocked you, Facebook decided that meant you could keep writing me but I couldn’t write back. Perhaps that’s for the best; there are thousands of people experiencing this same situation, both as the person being stalked and as the person who is obsessed. Maybe this letter will help others, too.

I was sorry to read that you are in so much pain and I truly hope in time you find some peace. However, you are writing to me as if I’m still that scared 19 year old girl you locked in the bathroom and threatened to kill. I assure you, I am not. That was 35 years ago. The little girl is gone and in her place is a 55 year old woman with gray hair who is fully capable of taking care of herself. The only person still in that bathroom or experiencing the harm you caused is you.

You keep asking for my forgiveness. I can forgive you as a human being because I know you were struggling with substance abuse, but I cannot forgive your actions. The only person who can forgive you is you. You also say you are in a program and want to make amends to me. You’ve done that, several times. Stop trying to make amends. They are causing pain. Go back to a meeting and focus on Step 9:

Made direct Amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would harm them or others.

The best way you can make amends to me is to stop trying.

You’ve mentioned my daughter recently, writing how beautiful she is and how much she reminds you of me. I need you to take a moment and think about what you are doing. Now, imagine you are in a forest and you see an adorable bear cub. You don’t mean any harm, you’re just looking. Suddenly, Mama Bear appears from nowhere to defend her cub. You have zero intention of harming the cub but Mama Bear doesn’t know that. What is the most dangerous creature in the world? A mother defending her offspring.

I am that Mama Bear. Let that image replace the image you hold so tightly of me at age 19. I am not writing this to embarrass or threaten you, I am simply telling you or the fiftieth time in 20 years, in this open letter that I know you are reading right now, to stop contacting me.

Forgive yourself. Move on with your life.

I have.

You have the Power to Save Lives

You have the power to stop Covid19 and save lives simply by following the guidelines of health professionals. That’s it.

No one is asking you to stay home to take away your liberties. No one is asking you to take precautions to inconvenience you. And absolutely no one wants to shut down the economy and destroy people’s lives and futures because of politics. No one.

You are being asked to shelter in place to protect and care for those most vulnerable, people like my daughter, my father, my sister-in-law, and all the medically fragile kids I work with. And by doing so you also protect yourself and the people in your family. Covid19 attacks young and old, healthy and frail, which is why everyone needs to be vigilant.

Please. I am begging you.

You are a part of a community. What you do impacts your family, friends, co-workers and neighbors. Being an American doesn’t make you invincible or give you the right to put everyone else at risk. Just like there is a difference between Freedom of Speech and Hate Speech, there is a difference between Personal Liberty and Negligence.

Millions of people are suffering right now from fear, illness, and poverty. We all want to get back to work, including me. I’m one of the lucky ones who can work from home, but as a teacher, I would much rather be with my students at school where I can help them cope with the impact of this pandemic. If we open our doors and all return to work and school too quickly, more people will die. We must wait. And wait…

I don’t know what the future will bring for myself, my students, or my daughter. All I know is right now, today, I can take care of my child, myself and my community by staying home, washing my hands, wearing a mask and gloves when I must go to the store and waiting. That is all any of us can do.

Where have all the Day Programs in California gone?

Once upon a time there were wonderful places called Day Programs in California. These programs provided social opportunities, vocational training, emotional support and entertainment for thousands of Californians with disabilities. Everyone found a place to belong, no matter the disability or impairment.

Those days are long gone… or maybe they never existed. Maybe great day programs have always been mythical, like unicorns and Starbucks drinks that won’t make you fat. But what I’ve heard from people who work in programs and the State agencies that support them is that there once were a lot of really good opportunities for people with disabilities in California.

Used to be… that’s the key phrase. Thanks to budget cuts and astronomical rents, day programs have had to shut-down. One after another has collapsed under the growing cost of rent, the need to pay a living wage and the yearly decrease of funding from the State. Most programs are supported by the Regional Center, a State agency that vendors with local people to provide programs and activities. The Regional Center can only pay what the State allows, but the State doesn’t provide much more than minimum wage, a rate that is impossible to live on. Programs rely on grants and other private supports to get by. Those funding streams have also disappeared, which is weird because it’s not like there isn’t a ton of money in California. Programs also need a space to provide the services, but rents have pushed “site based programs” into “community based programs”, which are not always the best option for people with disabilities. Even the community based programs are financially challenged because they then have to provide transportation and staff to support their clients. They can only pay a little more than minimum wage, which no one can live on, so staff turnover is high. Eventually those community based programs are forced to shut down, too.

Every year the State budget cuts program funding for people with disabilities and more people are forced to stay home, which strains the families who care for them. How are they supposed to pay their own rent when they miss work providing care to a loved one with a disability?

There once was a State Hospital Program which cared for thousands of people with Developmental Disabilities. And yes, I know the Hospital system was awful and people were mistreated and hidden away from the larger society. Happily, most of those State Hospitals have shut down and people with disabilities returned to their families or placed into smaller group homes. But here’s my question: where did all that money go when the State shut down the State Hospital System? And if day programs and care homes are being forced to close, where exactly are those people who were once in State Hospitals going?

My daughter isn’t the only person being impacted by the broken Regional Center system. I see good people in that system every day fighting for their clients, only having to tell those same clients there’s nothing they can do. Clients, family members, caregivers, and social workers are all struggling with the lack of funding to support day programs and group homes. The State of California needs to provide proper funding again. I heard they used, but that was a long time ago in a land far, far away…

Maybe that’s where unicorns went as well.

People with Disabilities Fight Walls Every Day.

San Mateo County is wealthy, beautiful, and filled with opportunities. I believed that bringing Rhia to this prosperous city close to Stanford Medical Center (where she gets her medical care) would be wonderful. Rhia agreed. No more three-hour drives. No more being bored in a tiny town. No more hot summers. We packed our stuff and moved to a new home, filled with hope and excitement.

That was four months ago. We’re still waiting for the opportunities.

The first barrier to greater opportunity for Rhia came from Social Security. Despite the fact we pay three times the rent we did in Ukiah, Rhia’s disability check was reduced by $200.00. Why? Because the Federal Government counts any rent below market rate as income. Therefore, Rhia is getting support in the amount of $300.00. Never mind the fact that the market rate is over $1000 for a bedroom and Rhia only receives $900 to live on. It doesn’t matter that what she receives doesn’t come close to what she needs to survive. The Feds wouldn’t count reduced rent against her if she lived in subsidized housing. Oh, there’s a 5-year waiting list for subsidized housing? Well, it’s a good thing Rhia has somewhere to live! She could always be homeless and get the full amount needed to survive. It’s up to her.

Thanks a lot Feds. (insert middle finger here).

And then the Federal Government screwed Rhia again; there was a paperwork problem transferring her MediCare from one county to the new county. The process was already slowed down due to the holidays, and then to make it more fun the so-called President shut the government down. There is no one to answer the phone or anyone to figure out which black hole Rhia’s paperwork is trapped in. So we wait. She needs MediCare coverage to go to the doctor and she has to go to the doctor for a physical exam before she can start a day-program. But who cares? The President and Congress are bickering over a stupid wall! Too bad Rhia, you get to wait.

Day programs… there are some incredible programs for people with developmental disabilities. But getting into a day program isn’t easy. Waiting lists are months, even years long. I found a great program that is the perfect balance of center-based and employment. They provide art and vocational support and there are two other deaf people in the program. The director I spoke to thought maybe February, but now it looks like they won’t have an opening until Summer. Then a newer program opened and they’re happy to hold a spot for Rhia. Unfortunately, they are completely community-based, meaning there isn’t a center where Rhia can rest when she needs to. Plus, no one knows Sign Language. But the people are kind and Rhia is so bored and lonely we’re willing to give it a try.

Oh, wait, Rhia’s MediCare hasn’t transferred yet. Sorry kid, you have to wait until the Feds get their act together and reopen the government. Hope you like sitting around the house coloring all day. And it’s a good thing your mom is in Grad School so she can get a student loan to pay for childcare out of pocket.

I am broke, Rhia is lonely, and the government shutdown drags on. I’ve done everything I can, called every number, talked to every human I could reach, and have hit a massive bureaucratic brick wall.

A wall has been built, just not the one Trump wanted.

This is why people with disabilities tend to stay where they are, regardless of whether or not the services in their area are decent, or even accessible. This is why there are so many disabled people living on the street, or in sub-standard housing. Rhia has me to fight for her, but how many people have you seen who don’t have anyone? How many times can you be defeated before you just give up?

I will never give up on my daughter, but we sure could use a break.

Who Chooses Your Label?

I was chatting with a man who has multiple disabilities, when he suddenly said, “What’s up with the whole person-first thing? Why am I called a man with disabilities instead of a disabled man?”

“Do you want to be labelled a disabled man?” I asked.

“Why not. I am.”

“But isn’t that putting your disability ahead of who you are?”

He scowled. “My disability is who I am. I’m not ashamed of it. Are you?”

“No. But we wanted to make sure people with disabilities…”

“Disabled people.”

I continued, “… were seen as people who are equal to others.”

“We, meaning the allies.”

Nodding, I said, “Yes. We allies.”

He said, “Look, I know you allies mean well, but shouldn’t we disabled people decide what we want to be called?”

He was right.

How often do we allies decide the labels we give to others?

This conversation made me think of the labels used in the LGBTQ community. What do he labels Bi-sexual and Pan-sexual mean? What’s the difference? If you love someone other than your own gender you’re Gay, unless you’re a woman, then you’re a Lesbian. If you love both genders then you’re Bi-sexual, but where does Pan-sexual fit? Transexual, transgender… who decides what you’re called? Labels are vehemently debated and discussed in the queer community, but how are they discussed in the disability community?

What are my own labels and who gave them to me?  White. Woman. Middle-Class. College educated. Mother. Middle-Aged. Teacher. Writer. Celiac. Feminist.

Ally.

Labels have meaning, which gives them power. Therefore, people should decide for themselves what label they claim. If my friend wants to be referred to as a “disabled man” then that is his right. Another person may want to be a “person with disabilities”. That is their right. An ally should respect the choices of the individual, otherwise can we really label ourselves allies?

 

No matter what you believe, the moon has magic

January 31st. I am standing on my deck at 1 AM staring at the clear, full moon that looks as if it is balancing on the tip of my neighbor’s  giant redwood tree. No wind, no cars, nothing but silence and bright, white light turning the dark sky indigo. I can’t sleep. The moon has called me.

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image from Griffith Observatory 

I went to bed before the moon turned red and the eclipse began, but I saw thousands of images of that glorious moon when I woke up. The whole world was fascinated with the incredible coincidence of a blue moon turning into a red moon while an eclipse happened. What could it mean? What sort of magic could it be? Or warning?

Tibetan Buddhists believe anything you do during an eclipse, good or bad, will be magnified ten-fold. Many Native American tribes believe that the moon controls and regulates the planet, so a lunar eclipse is a sign of a transformation on Earth. Traditional Hinduism believes a lunar or solar eclipse is bad luck because good things only happen when there is light. Temples are closed and people are advised not to eat anything for 9 hours leading up to an eclipse. Many Muslims say a special prayer for Allah’s blessing because an eclipse is a reminder of his power. Many tribes in Africa believe an eclipse is a good time to come together and end old feuds while the sun and the moon are busy fighting. Whether you pray, or leave your crystals out in the moonlight to recharge them, a lunar eclipse and a full, blood moon, are powerful symbols.

For me, the eclipse of a blue/blood moon is a reminder of the beauty of the universe that we are a part of it. Our planet is one piece of a vast solar system. We are circling a star with our companion the moon, joined by other planets, all connected with gravity. You and I and everything else on this planet is a part of that. And we are the lucky creatures who can stare out at the moon on a cloudless night and wonder. If other creatures are also struck by the beauty of it all, they don’t tell us their stories. But we humans create stories and draw pictures and share photos on the internet in a collective “wow!”

Perhaps that understanding is what makes people go crazy during a full moon. Ask any nurse, the ER’s are full and the patients are restless. Bartenders report more fights and Police Officers respond to more calls. Do some people see the moon as a reminder of how insignificant we are? If we are tiny and alone in the universe then nothing matters. Might as well get drunk and punch a stranger.

And maybe all this obsession over the moon is “boring”, as Neil DeGrasse Tyson says. 

“Blue” moons (the second full moon in a calendar month) occur, on average, every two and a half to three years. An event more frequent than the Summer Olympics. But nobody ever declares “Watch out for a rare Olympics coming up!” 

Okay, so a blue moon with a blood moon and an eclipse are nothing to get too excited about. But this non-physics professor still gets excited when looking up at the stars. I love the idea that we are a tiny part of a vast universe. I don’t feel insignificant. I feel alive!

 

Why I marched in Washington DC

One year ago today, I travelled across the country to Washington DC to join the Women’s March. There were marches all over the US, including several two hours from my home in Northern California. Why did I travel thousands of miles in the winter to the East Coast?

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“President Trump” horrified me. His obvious hatred of women should have barred him from winning the presidency, but instead it seemed to propel him to the highest office in my country. His racist and misogynist views should have ended his popularity; instead, his popularity grew. He won.

I looked at my 20 year old daughter and knew I had act.

Here is the link to my blog post describing the March on Washington

And here is my original post on why I marched

This year I am staying in my home town and bringing my daughter to our march downtown. There will be hundreds of us, not millions, but we’re a small town. I want to  support my own community and show my daughter what we’re marching for. She is developmentally delayed and doesn’t understand the larger issues of racism, misogyny, and classism. She doesn’t know who the president is (maybe she’s lucky in that!). But she understands kindness and respect. She knows how it feels to be teased and bullied. She values friendship and being polite. I want to show her that most people are kind. And I want to show her that she has a voice; she can say no. She can demand that the President and our Elected Officials are respectful of her and everyone else.

Why do we ignore Veterans?

Today is Veteran’s Day in the United States, the one day of the year we honor those who served in the military. On the other days of the year, we forget them. We step over homeless vets as they sleep on the street. We complain about the budget deficit while our country fights a war in Afghanistan. We underfund the VA. We ignore the thousands of families living on military bases while their loved ones fight far away from home. We’re all patriotic when we see a young person in a military uniform but as soon as they’re out of sight we forget them.

Thank a Veteran for fighting for you. Thank a Veteran’s family for letting them go. Thank a Veteran for the years they dedicated and the hours they spent facing death. Do it today, but do it tomorrow, too. These men and women sacrificed for you and their beliefs. Sometimes they joined the military because they didn’t have any other choice; these are kids from rural areas with no money for college or a job waiting for them after high school. Some of them were drafted. Some fought because it was the right thing to do. Some fought even when they knew there was no good reason to.

They deserve our respect, not pity. They deserve to be remembered and honored every day, not just once a year with a flag wave. Thank a Veteran for their service, and then call your Congressperson and let them know you stand with Veterans. Demand fair treatment. That’s the best way we can say thank you.

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Image from Business Wire http://www.businesswire.com/news/home/20161110006634/en/Ryder-Marks-Veterans-Day-4500-Military-Veteran

Lobbying for Healthcare in a bizarre world called Congress.

My plane landed in Washington DC at 5:30 AM. I’d never taken a “red eye” before and I was surprised I’d managed to get a little sleep on the flight from San Francisco. Grabbing my suitcase I found my shuttle and rode the 20 minutes to my hotel. In the lobby, the clerk said cheerfully, “Good morning. Checking in?”

I held up a finger. “Just a minute. Where’s the bathroom?” She pointed down the hall to my left.

Quickly I changed out of my yoga pants and tshirt and put on my professional looking dress, one I had chosen because it didn’t wrinkle. I brushed my teeth, put on earrings, slippped into heels, and added lipstick. After leaving my overstuffed suitcase with the front desk I joined the group of people heading to Congress to fight for health care for people with Mitochondrial Disease. It was 7 AM and I needed coffee bad. But I was ready.

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This was day one of the UMDF conference. I joined my assigned group, a doctor and a mom from California and a man who had LHON. We were to meet with 5 of our political representatives or their staff,  in the Senate and the House. At first we weren’t sure what to do, but once we got to Senator Feinstein’s office our group found its voice. The doctor in our group explained about Mitochondrial disease and the research efforts of the National Institute of Health. The mom talked about supplements and the need for insurance companies to provide them. The man with LHON talked about being affected with a disease. And I talked about the day-to-day-caring for my child and how important MediCare was for her life. The staffer took notes and asked numerous questions. We four felt like we’d made an impact.

The next staffer was either new or simply overwhelmed. He took a few notes, but mostly looked like he had no idea what was happening. We were all crammed into the reception room of Kamala Harris’s offices and people came and went and chatted over our heads as we tried to give our presentation. I couldn’t blame the poor guy; it was Thursday and all week people had been yelling about the GOP Healthcare Bill. Everyone was desperate to go home for the 4th of July break and I suspect at 10 am he’d already worked 5 hours.

From the Senate building we walked across the Capital grounds toward The House of Representatives Building We had to take the long way because the Capital building was blocked off by armed military police. Our local escort shrugged it off;  road closures and the military on alert was just an ordinary day in Washington DC.

At the Offices of the House of Representatives we gave the same presentation, this time directly to Judy Chu. She was extremely kind and appeared interested in what we had to say. Here was a real pro, someone who could listen to people talking health care during a week the words “health care” made people scream. At the end of our meeting, I thanked her.

“I really appreciate how hard you and other Democrats are fighting for people with disabilities like my daughter.”

She shook my hand and smiled. I wonder if politicians get many thank you’s?

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Then we met with a Republican staffer from New York who was obviously fed up with the words “health care” and gave us 4 minutes of his time. By then our group had split up. I met my Representative, Jared Huffman, on my own. Our meeting time had been changed but I didn’t know, so I sat with a staffer and talked about my daughter. By then it was 3:00 and my brain was so fried I couldn’t remember my part of the presentation, let alone how to explain Mitochondrial disease and the National Institute of Health. I’d walked up and down and around the halls so many times I lost track of which building I was in. But this staffer sat at the table with me, smiled warmly and asked questions. And then Jared Huffman himself stepped out of a meeting for 2 minutes to shake my hand. I wanted to hug him, but instead, I thanked him.

Walking around those buildings, I passed office after office of congresspeople from every state. Climbing the stairs, I detected that the marble steps closest to the hand rail were slightly grooved; thousands of footsteps over hundreds of years had slowly worn down the lip of each step. Every conversation crashed into the next, echoing down the stone halls. There wasn’t a moment of quiet, not even inside the offices where we met people who at least appeared to want to help. Once, I used the wrong elevator, accidentally hopping on the one reserved for elected officials. An older gentlemen in a nice suit smiled but didn’t reprimand me. I wonder which state he represents?

By the end of the day, I was worn out, confused, and ready to finally check into my hotel room for a shower. But I was also exhilarated. Here I was, actually talking to people in Congress about healthcare the same week Congress was debating healthcare. I shook the hands of people fighting for my daughter. I don’t know how they do it, day in and day out.

And I have a better understanding of our democracy, at least the ideal of democracy. A thriving democracy is more than just voting every few years; it requires participation. It needs us to talk and listen and debate and argue. We need to interact with our Senators and Representatives and make sure they hear us. Otherwise the only people they’ll hear are the people with the checkbook.

I love Washington DC. This makes the second time I’ve been there since January and I have a feeling I’ll be back.

Bury My Heart at Standing Rock

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images from North Country Public Radio

When I heard the news, I cried.

After a year of peaceful protest, millions of supporters, veterans providing protection, celebrities raising awarenes, and Native Tribes from all over the world joining together to fight for clean water, the oil company won. The North Dakota Access Pipeline is being built as I write this and there isn’t a damn thing we can do about it.

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Image from Democracy Now

Does money always win?

When I saw the police rolling in on miliatary style troop carriers to surround the Oceti Sakowin camp, complete with riot gear and assault rifles, I cried. How many times in our history have Native People faced this exact situation?

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Image from Voice of America

All the People wanted was clean water. That’s it. They didn’t want to annex the land back to the reservation or build a casino or anything more than a guarantee that they and their grandchildren would have clean water to drink. Clean water. One of the basic requirements of survival.

And now there’s no guarantee they’ll have clean water next year.

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Image from Native News Online

I feel powerless, angry and sad. I sent money to help the Water Protectors buy supplies for winter and then more money to hire lawyers. Thousands of people did the same. But none of us have enough power or wealth to fight oil companies and protect clean water.

Then I saw this: https://twitter.com/the_orangeidiot/status/834590610644402177  This the final message from Raymond Kingfisher, leader of the Cheyenne People and of Oceti Sacowin Camp. With tears in his eyes and a voice filled with emotion, he led the final prayers and thanked everyone for their support. He also promised that the fight wasn’t over.

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Image from WhiteWolfPack.com

This powerful video recorded on the last day of the protest shook me. If these people can walk away peacefully and proclaim the battle isn’t over, then so can I. If they can face that stark grief but still have hope, then so can I.

I will fight for people with disabilities, for equality, for compassion, for freedom of the press and of speech. I will fight for healthcare and education. And yes, for clean water.

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Image from CNN

I will fight for the welfare of future generations, just as the tribes at Standing Rock did.

Here is another powerful report from the last days of  Oceti Sacowin Camp from Intercept, by Jihan Hafiz: https://theintercept.com/2017/02/25/video-a-closing-prayer-for-standing-rocks-oceti-sakowin/

And here is how you can help the battle:https://medium.com/@ShaunKing/please-support-these-5-standing-rock-legal-defense-funds-to-stop-the-dakota-access-pipeline-754be4674ec2#.b6nzwtxnh  (thank you Shaun King for putting this list together)